June 16, 2007: If only life was like preschool...

Last Wednesday was Veronika's last day of preschool before the summer. It was celebrated as all occasions at preschool - with lots of sugar in the shape of character cupcakes (Dora!) and giant Cheetos. The children were all wearing their self-decorated t-shirts and the parents received yearbooks documenting the highlights of the year.

It did make me feel quite wistful. I am a little upset with the preschool for making everything into an event where I have to ponder the passage of time and the fact that the children indeed are growing. Could they not just let my feelings lay dormant and perserve my blissful ignorance?

But anyway. Veronika loves preschool. At the last parent-teacher conference (I know! In PREschool!) I got a glowing review from Ms Kelly - Veronika's #1 idol. She learned so much! What difference between now and back in fall! She learned how to speak up and overcome her shyness and she always listens the FIRST time you tell her something (what?! traitor!) and she looooves to help other kids and she loooooves art and she looooves to clean up and the other kids love listening to her... I had left Ms Kelly that day with one of those rare feelings that I'm not doing so bad as a mother after all.

Saying goodbye for the summer also means not having a bunch of other kids to play with and Veronika has lots of friends. "I have 6 friends mama! Emma, Ellie, Adam... uh, ah... Emma, Ellie, Adam, Kaylie.... Christopher and Theresa!" I will be setting up some playdates of course, but it won't be the same. Most of all I can't provide the structure preschool offers. First free play, then circle time ("Today is... Monday June... etc." Veronika reenacts that part daily), then art, then playing outside, then snack and then storytime and pickup. On the other hand I'm not too worried as I can also see that Veronika is somewhat relieved to have less structure in her life. Everyone needs a vacation.

At the end of her last day, Ms Kelly had the kids sing several songs and even dance to one. Veronika stood still, frozen in time throughout. She kept glancing at me with this very serious face and while all the children were singing and signing and hopping she just stood there... not giving in one inch in her determination to NOT PERFORM WHEN ASKED. I would've liked to see her join the other kids, because I know she does when I'm not there, but I can also see her predicament. This is a lot to handle, last day of school, saying goodbye, performing in front of your mother... I think she just couldn't really deal. I know she loves to show off what she can do, but having her two worlds - being the daughter and being just herself - collide in this one moment was too much. That's ok though. I got a special performance of one of the songs at home a few days later (her initiative), just for me (check the video section). It was so much better to see her relaxed about the circumstances, yet focused on what she was doing. No pressure whatsoever. I totally get it, baby. Pressure brought me down every single time. Just ask your grandparents about my piano recitals...