January 15, 2004: Perspective

Having a child can change your perspective. I know that this is not exactly a momentous realization but every so often it sneaks up and surprises me. For example, I used to be able to watch movies like a normal person but now I cannot. Since Veronika was born, every baby or child I see reminds me of her and every father/daughter relationship is immediately and intimately connected to mine. I have become extremely sensitive to stories that involve children going through any type of difficulty, especially with their fathers. There are things inside of me, never there before, that are now constantly tugged at and manipulated by the movie industry.

I wasn't fully aware of this change in myself (or perhaps I just hadn't accepted it) until this past Sunday, when I was in the middle of the second movie on my flight home from Austria. Several factors conspired to bring me face-to-face with my new weakness: I had just said goodbye to my wife and daughter for a week, I was quite tired, and most importantly, they showed the film In America. I should first note that this is an extraordinary film that I would recommend to the emotionally and mentally sound as well, but for me at that moment it was completely overwhelming. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried through probably half of that movie. It had everything I described above and then some: a father working hard to support his family (two young daughters), a father dealing with the disappointment of his daughters, daughters praying for their father to succeed and be happy, parents dealing with the past death of an infant, a difficult pregnancy, a newborn on the verge of death, and the subplot of an artist/friend dying of AIDS (played by the outstanding Djimon Hounsou), bonding with the family as he struggles to find peace in his life. With all of this going on, I was welling up with tears every five minutes or so. All it took was a certain look from a daughter or the pained or worried expression of the father and I could feel them starting to flow. I couldn't even stop them when I was remembering the scenes after the movie was over.

And I blame Veronika for this.