September 18, 2011: A Weekend at the Park
Here's Nikola leaving the park on Saturday afternoon:
And here he is riding his bike (for the first time!) the next day:
Every day is a roller coaster when you're three.
Posted by papa at 05:24 PM
April 24, 2011: Papa, Can We Go on the U-Bahn?
Nikola and I have been riding on the U-Bahn a lot since we moved to Vienna in September and we've got the pictures to prove it. Head over to this page for a special Easter surprise:
Papa, Can We Go on the U-Bahn?
Happy Easter!
Posted by papa at 09:00 AM
April 9, 2011: Freedom is his middle name.
This child is wearing me out. I thought I was worn out already, but apparently there are ever more depths of worn-out-ness hidden inside me. I just reread my entry from January and there is not much more to add to it. He is still the same wild boy, except he's turned it all up a notch because he is older now, that means he is louder and stronger and has more endurance.
We've moved to Austria in the meantime, which means we no longer ride in a car every day, which means we are out and about in public almost every day. And almost every day I am somewhere in Vienna with a screaming angry toddler and everyone is watching. It's not that Nikola has an angry disposition. Not at all, he is happy and exuberant and excited, always very excited! He also doesn't want to be restricted in his exuberance. Basically his mother is cramping his style by asking him to go potty instead of peeing himself or asking him to put on his shoes or stop hitting kids or... basically any request of mine is obviously asking too much. "He just wants to be free..." Veronika says and she is so right. Except he is two and a 3/4. (This 3/4 is important because someone is counting the days to three...) All my kids had the terrible twos really bad. Nikola excels at it. Besides the regular frustrations he also has a temper. He wants what he wants and he means it. In a way I can't blame him. I know where the temper comes from... Not rarely will I find myself in a real stand-off with him, boiling with anger and frustration, just like he is and instead of kicking and wailing - which he is doing - I want to hurl insults at him. Four letter words, the most fancy kind and not hold back. Sometimes, when things are really bad, I mutter them quietly, just to let off steam, to get through the moment.
He usually has to tag along for whatever I do and I feel for him because most of the time it's nothing he'd consider fun. The days when I don't have to bring him and just have Ivan or run errands by myself I feel strangely relaxed and can't quite put my finger on it... until I realize that being out and about with Nikola anchors a permanent anxiety in my brain, even if he is cooperating at the time. It's just that things could change any moment and the next entering of a store or ringing the door bell could mean a screaming fit or fight or negotiation. Every small task of the day that passes without a hitch is a little sigh of relief. Not having him along turns off the permanent alarm in my head for a little while.
Nikola is in love with trains and subways and trams. Moving to a city was hitting the jackpot for him. He talks about U-Bahn, Strassenbahn and Doubledecker incessantly - no exaggeration, all his cousins are familiar with his vocabulary as he greets everyone he knows with a little chat about the U-Bahn. He loves to ride all trains and usually enters a strange calm when looking out the window of the tram or train. I wish I could bottle this calm and recall it at whim. He particularly likes to look out for the incoming subway, which usually brings him a bit too close to the edge of the platform. I let him go close until the subway is visible, then I pull him back, except.. if the subway doesn't come soon enough he'd rather run around the platform back and forth, giving me and everyone else a heart attack. So I try to restrict him, which he meets with a scream you probably haven't heard since... ever. I have no chance. I will always be in the wrong. "Why is this mother letting her kid get so close?" "Why is this mother letting this kid scream like this?"
Basically those are my two options. Let him run amok or let him scream amok. Needless to say I am tired. So tired. This is probably the first time in my short (or long) career as a mother where I've had moments of feeling completely inadequate of parenting a child. He is too much for me, I'd think. I love him to pieces, but I can't handle him. On the other hand I'm worried he is not going to be able to function among other people if he can't handle his own frustration.... and so I soldier on, fighting with him over everything. No more apple juice, no. (He smacks me in the face.) You can't have a third piece of chocolate, no. (He tries to bite me.) The blinds will stay up, the light will stay on, you will put on underwear, we are going home, this is the right tram, we will not wait for the other one, just because you like to ride the old cars, we are done watching tv now, we are DONE DONE DONE. (Screaming and punches rain down on me.)
Once he calms down, which might take from 5 minutes to a couple of hours, he is at the end of the rope himself. Crying and hugging me. Once he regains his composure he covers me in kisses. We are like Elisabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. Scratching and screaming one minute, eternal adoration the next. A vitally toxic relationship. We can't live with each other, we can't live without. Luckily this is just a phase.
That's my (only) hope, at least.
Posted by mama at 04:02 AM
April 29, 2010: Wha?
Nikola doesn't like to eat. I'm afraid he got that from me. When I was little of course. Not now. I love to eat now. I'm thinking there is still hope for him. The list of things he will put in his mouth willingly is very short. On top of that list is tomato sauce with pasta and yogurt. Nikola loves yogurt and since I like to make my life easier I serve him yogurt once a day either for lunch or dinner. He's pretty good at eating by himself given that he loves to mess with things. Here's a little clip from about a month ago, but could've been any day of our life in the past year or so:
Nikola eating yogurt from Dinka Souzek on Vimeo.
(At about 2.02 he is testing his own movements on the screen...)
Posted by mama at 08:36 PM
January 21, 2010: Where the wild thing is
I've put off writing about Nikola... not on purpose, but it sort of happened. This is the thing, he is not like the other two. He is the type of toddler that checks off all the behaviors on the charts. Behaviors like "curious" and "active" and "constantly exploring". It is truly what he is doing, but it translates into constant running, pushing buttons, climbing, and screaming! Lots of screaming! Mostly when he can't do all the running, pushing and climbing. I am that mother in the restaurant, at the library, at the doctor's, in the store, at randompublicplace, with the screaming child, writhing and kicking and yes, screaming. Wherever we go, Nikola has to be... managed. He doesn't really go with anything. If I can, I use a carrier and put him on my back. It is the only really good way of being somewhere with him because I get to do whatever I am there for and he gets to stay in one piece. That doesn't mean he won't start wailing at some point because he is so restrained. But probably 9 out of 10 times I'll take the screaming over the running away. I don't know how the rest of the people feel about it and I wish I had a sign taped to myself that explains the situation... something like "I know he is screaming but he would only stop if I let him do what he wants, which is run around this place and touch everything and then you couldn't do your job and neither could I do what I came here for, so this little bit of screaming is not so bad, it'll be over soon and you'll forget about it. If it's ok with you, you can look away so that I don't feel so terribly selfconscious. This is standard toddler behavior, by the way, you can look it up. Totally normal. Has nothing to do with me. I have two other kids who were pretty tame at this stage compared to him, so I know it's not my fault. You can stop staring now." Yeah, something like that. It would be a pretty long sign. Just long enough for me to finish up and run.
He is 20 months old. He likes running the best. It's his favorite. He calls it "woking" and asks for it every time we leave the car. He likes it so much that if I set him down in the garage, he will circle the car in giddy excitement over and over again while I fake-leave at least 5 times (that means I announce I'm going upstairs, I close the door and wait for him to figure it out and come crying) and he is not bothered by it in the least. I eventually open the door and find him still running in circles... "quick! quick!" or "wook! woking! wook!" It's adorable, I can't lie. He is just so into it. But eventually I have to pick him up and he will start screaming and turning his body into one straight line. Every time. And I will drag him up the stairs, by his body, then his elbows, and by the time we are on the top of the stairs I will barely hold on to his one wrist and then deposit him on the carpet like a teenager shoves his backpack, only more gentle. Because I love him. There he will continue writhing and kicking for a while and when he's bored with it, will move on to something else. In the meantime, I've lost 500 calories. Forget about lifting weights. Calm, rigid, inert pounds... anyone can do THAT.
But ANYWAY, Nikola is actually the perfectly adorable child. He says hi to everyone he sees. It's a lot of fun to be along for that. People smile at you, their faces relax... it's nice. He is a barrel of laughs. He fake-cries and fake-smiles.. .depending on what's needed. One of his favorite role plays is to come over with his Lego Thomas The Train apart and make a scrunched crying face and say: "boken.. uh uh uh". And when he's screamed just a tiny bit too much again and I give him a look he gives me this hammy smile, showing his perfect little teeth. This is what I picture him when he's 16: Daredevil, fast, smart, chick magnet, irresistible and - sweaty. What he's not going to be: indecisive, slow, bored or clean.
After having used "ja" for the longest time, he's now picked up "yep" from Noni. It's yep to everything. Except when it's NOOOO, which is most of the time. He can also be strangely cooperative at times. I'd try to put him in the high chair and he'd wiggle and scream but if I explain that he will get cocoa/cookie/whateverhelikestoeat he will look at the chair and say "OK" and let me put him in without a fight. This is rare. Which is why I had to write it down.
He has really started to repeat a lot of stuff so that occasionally we can have short conversations like this:
Nikola brings the Toy Story DVD: "Tory! Tory"
Me: I know! It's Woody and Buzz!
Nikola: Aaaaah... anayooooon! (= "To infinity and beyooond!")
He has also started to replace "tanks" (Thanks) with "weh-come" which also creates funny situations. Today I was walking up the stairs at preschool with him, while several parents were waiting on top (we were too wide for them to pass us by). Once on top I said to everyone "Thank you!" and Nikola answered loudly "WEHCOME!" Everyone chuckled. See, lots of smiling faces all around.
It's hard not to be infected by his exuberant energy. Except when he's screaming and hitting me. Then it's pretty easy. I know the frustrating parts of him have a positive source. I like that he is who he his. I'm not worried about him finding his way in life at all. It's like he's always known where he's going even if he's confused. He is so self-assured and adamant. I love it. Also, i hate it. There, that's Nikola in a nutshell.
Posted by mama at 09:18 PM