Looking up
It ocurred to me the other day that it's been a while since I've felt completely desperate. It used to be a permanent fixture in my life. I would wake up in the morning still exhausted from the day before. Several times during the day I would think how I am absolutely certain that I will not make it another fifteen minutes. Generally my state of mind would slip into a panic mode on and off and I would use up whatever energy I could muster to talk myself down. Not out loud of course, no need to alert the authorities. I realize this was mostly related to taking care of three children, one of them school-aged (Homework! Lunches! Getting up on time!), and one of them an infant (Keep baby alive! Stop baby from crying! Make baby sleep!), but when you are going through it day after day you do end up believing that this is just normal life - for you anyway, and which other one counts, really? - and so you must get it together ASAP!
Now I'm approaching a time in my life - for the first time since 2003 - where I'm neither pregnant nor nursing and soon won't have a child under two. This makes a difference in how I feel apparently. It is possible to have more energy and not feel defeated before I've started. I suppose it's normal to recognize phases of your life only once they've passed or are passing, but I still wish it was possible to obtain this information beforehand... Something like using the knowledge from the experience during the experience. The same way when you're older you wish you could be younger, but not your younger self (nooo!), your older, wiser self in the young body. You could perfect the human experience and finally get that "real" shot at life, not that clumsy trial run we all seem to be having. Where was I going with this? I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I could've told my self from a year ago that the day will come where I still have children but am not constantly overwhelmed and would've show her a picture and she would've been able to absorb that information in a positive way and not feel so desperate. I'm not sure it would've worked. But I'm recording it now, just in case this knowledge does become useful again some day.
A note to future self? :)
Amen