Chocolate Cake!
Last Saturday was my birthday, I turned 29 (not 30, Phillip Souzek!). I don't have any deep thoughts on this event, but I will tell you about that day. Lincoln took me to brunch at "Tavern on the Green" and we ate and ate while Veronika was successfully babysat by cousin Katie and her husband Tim in the West Village! It was a very stylish day in every aspect. Even Veronika wore her special skirt. There is just nothing like being surprised by your husband on your birthday and then taken to a fancy place to eat and then served delicious chocolate chocolate cake at the end (one you didn't make yourself) and then being offered to take the rest of the cake home! It was one of my favoritest birthdays. It's not at all bad to live so close to New York City, I conclude.
I was told by one of my two family members (it was not Veronika) that I always write how horrible my life is. I suppose that's true in some ways, but this site is just such a perfect outlet. More often than not I take it all out on this computer and after I've complained and dwelled on my misery I get up and feel a lot better. Granted nobody sees that usually and so it might seem to some that I'm unhappy a lot. And although I don't think I need to prove that this is not true, I will nevertheless.
I was just thinking in the last few days that inspite of my struggles with Veronika's developmental pains I am in a really good stage right now. The initial shock of motherhood, the exhaustion and disbelief have passed and I have reached a point where I can enjoy being a mother and even be easily replaced for several hours. More than two hours, a lot more! I even started a part-time job on Sunday (I work at this store store on some nights and weekends and so far it's going very well.) while my daughter and her father spend some happy times together. I'm not saying I'm happy because I finally don't have to spend time with Veronika but I do notice that it helps me keep my life in perspective without interfering with my main job, which is to raise my baby. And I have to say I love doing that. I melt on a daily basis watching her being Veronika. She refuses to repeat words after me but instead "speaks" her own language with gestures and intonation and all. She hands me things accompanied with an important look and an incomprehensible sentence, which I always understand as "I need more kisses!"or "Tickle my chin" or "I am so cute and you can't take it!" I want to find a way to describe how happy she makes me but it's not really possible. I guess the best moments are when she decides to give me a kiss (when I leave or when she is falling asleep or just because, in the middle of the day) and she purses her lips and leans into me... oh I get all giddy...
Anyway where was I? Right, perspective. Turns out, my husband again put his finger on the... the... thing (I don't know how this phrase ends.) The thing is that there are days when I lose perspective. I feel overwhelmed and fear that being a full-time mother will suck the life out of me. I get scared that I will have to surrender everything and I won't know who I am anymore. I will shrink into a little generic person completely empty on the inside. Obviously this doesn't make sense but on many days I can't seem to pull myself out of it. That's when the husband steps in and puts things back into place. Unfortunately he often has to put up with some attitude on my part as I slowly allow myself to admit that maybe things are not all that bad. I am sorry for that, but I suppose that's part of the whole marriage thing. The wife being crabby while the husband puts up with it in silence, I mean. That and keeping a steady supply of chocolate in your wife's life.
Posted at 01:44 PM on November 22, 2004
Happy belated birthday!!
Happy belated birthday - sounds like you had a great day. :)
Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday! Sounds like it was a memorable one. :-)
I disagree with your beloved. Maybe it's because I don't know you as he does; but, I don't find most of your posts to be negative. Belated, blessed birthday. BTW, my 18 mos. old loves the pics of Veronika. He is quite taken with her and her adventures.