From the SAHM* Front
*Stay-At-Home-Mom
One of Dr. Phil's (I know. No need to say it!) favorite wisdoms is that if there is enough, sex makes for about 10% of a relationship and if there isn't enough, it's 90%. I think though what he meant to say is sss...leep and not sex and that applied to life and not just relationships. Ok, this is a bad introduction but I did get your attention, plus even scared you a little. Don't worry, this site is squeaky clean.
After 6 months (it IS a long time!) of motherhood I have come to the conclusion that there are many things no one ever really talks about. Or rarely anyways. In spite of a growing reluctance among people to have children because of the work involved, it is still not really OK to talk about how hard it is. I suppose there is a difference between working moms and SAHMs (I'm only using this term because it's the most used, personally I dislike it very much), but I was only the latter, so forgive my ignorance.
This has nothing to do with my love for my daughter, it doesn't change my decision to spend every day with her in the least bit, it's just a public acknowledgement of the "other" side of taking care of cute babies.
Not sleeping enough for weeks and months doesn't just make you sleepy, it can change your personality. At least it does to me. I'm not talking about sleeping only 6 hours a few nights in a row and then feeling tired and going to bed early afterwards. I'm talking about constantly interrupted sleep, never sleeping longer than 2-3 hours in a row over a looong period of time. I start feeling resentful with everyone around me, including the dog. After that I begin to resent objects as well! The stupid house, the idiot diaper bag, the spiteful scissors... you get the point. Then I lose interest... in everything. Nothing motivates me, I have no desire to do anything beside staring out the window (and of course be resentful). And when in this delightful state I am required to try to stop my baby from crying for the umpth time I suddenly realize I am about to lose it and there is nothing that will help me. I feel like I'm looking for the switch to turn this movie off because I can't bear not being able to bear it. It's the ultimate loss of control. I'm not really prone to emotional outburts or drama queen fits or even crying. And here I am watching myself melt on a regular basis, wishing myself far far away from here, in a land of empty, quiet bedrooms, waiting to be slept in. By me. Through the night. Without babies.
Another aspect of this job of mine is that there are no weekends, no Friday nights, no holidays. It is what it is. Day in, day out. I don't think it is possible to understand what that means until you actually get to experience it and then it's too late to "prepare" (like you could prepare!). With every hard task so far there was always an end in sight. A soon-to-come finish line, the day that you can say "all done!" and you can sit on the couch and relax or take a trip or just do anything uninterrupted for the amount of time that you wish to do it. I am a permanently permanent employee of Veronika S. (and to think I might have several of those one day!). Sure, I do sit down to have coffee when she naps, but even that moment is not fully mine, because she is the one that will decide about the next minute of my life, not me. How do you do the hardest job of your life for 24 hours a day, every single day for x amount of years? "One day at a time" I know I know...please, this is not a plea for attention and sympathy, nor a request for handy daily wisdom (and also not a time to tell me: I told you so).
This is just... to say how hard it is.
Posted at 10:44 AM on February 17, 2004
Man, you hit the nail on the head! You know I am sitting here staring into this computer screen, not because I am addicted, or have something fascinating to do, but I am too friggin tired to get up-literally. What you describe-I have been there ten years.
After that I begin to resent objects as well! The stupid house, the idiot diaper bag, the spiteful scissors... you get the point.
Messes that I do not think I would have even noticed bug me to no end now.
Uh-huh. Sounds about right to me. I'm totally wrecked today. I can't even finish my sentences, yet my 7 yr old does a stellar job of talking enough for at least ten of me. I spend most of my time asking her to please take a breath.
Oh, and there's no other object I resent more than a lego right after I step on it barefoot on my way to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Ouch.
Well, I'm glad you experienced moms agree.. I was a little nervous I was going to seem a little naive. On the other hand, am I really glad you guys say the same thing 10 years down the road? haha.
I'm not sure this whole SAHM concept is a good idea. We are supposed to have some steady help I think. Now, where is my maid?!
Oh, Dinka, I am sorry that your cute Veronika baby lets you experience this hard times of no sleeping, being alone all day and reaching some borders of your energy and motivation...You know that I know it too, but still it is going to change (Martin tells me to write: Augen zu und durch! Well, that is just one point of view...).Children really try to make a saint of you,I think.But if you just love them and do not decide to follow this stupid sleeping-programme books, there is a chance that they help you to become a better person. Thanks to God, it is not the virtue of no-sleeping which you have to practise lifelong...
Oh, gee thanks, now I am really looking forward to things. ;) After this pregancy though, I am ready to canonize all women who have done this repeatedly, and I am just beginning.
OK, I have a funny mess story. You know when babies are newborns, they have tons of that yellow, seedy runny poopies. Sometimes when I would change Matthew, he would poo as I was changing him, and literally spray (yeah, gross). I was so tired all the time, I would see double, and not sure how I managed to change the diaper. One day, in the daylight, I noticed on the wall opposite from where I usually changed him, dried baby s*^t on the wall. I broke down and started to cry. I scrubbed it off and called my mother. She told me to go easy on myself anf things seemed so much worse and messier when you are exhausted. not that baby poo on the wall from who knows when that happened wasn't bad-yeah, that's pretty bad, but considering I had four kids, school and a newborn, I could stand to not be so paranoid about housekeeping-or whatever and just try to survive with what energy I could muster. Now I pass the same advice on to you.
Also what Sandra said is children make saints out of yu is true, I believe that 100%. The second part of the story is I had a bit of postpartum depression and decided one day that I was going to pack my bags and move to California. I called my midwife and told her I was having wierd fantasies about moving to California to fulfill my acting career. She said out of her collection of PPD fantasies (many were literally of mother's fantasising things more violent) that was the funniest. She then said something about how zen bhuddist believe children teach patience or something which translated to me that they can make saints out of you.
are you nursing the baby? nursing, especially ecological nursing, can be very good to mommy and her hormones, as well as baby. i did notice baby ate cereal (BLECK! what are you thinking?) at least once from the photgraphic evidence, but it's worth asking.
Smockmamma, I don't think we're all so fortunate as you that our babies take to breast feeding. Of course it is the ideal way to go, but sometimes it is more important that the baby eats than it is breast fed. Please don't superimpose your judgement on what my or other baby's can do. As a new mom, I do the best that I can in the best interest of my baby.
whoa..! i know i make my life public and free for comments on this site, but please,if you feel the need to correct me, email me. i don't want this site to be a discussion forum, especially not in this tone.
i will delete any further comments on the quality of mine or anybody else's parenting skills!
I feel like I could've written this post and I'm only 3 months into it! It only takes a couple hours of lost sleep and I'm into the loopy zone again. I live for the weekends when my husband is home. Love your site by the way! :)
Hannah.