Veronika's Birth Story
Before I start - I want you to know that I have the most amazing husband in the world. I could not have asked for anyone better to experience this with!
I will try to stick to the facts here, although I must say that I still feel as if I am under some sort of "shock" about the whole experience. Birth is usually not an event one goes through without being deeply moved in some way but then again it went beyond anything I could've imagined or anybody could've prepared me for.
Regarding pain.. yes, it was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt or ever been through. It did bring me to the edge - if there really is one, because it felt like the agony would never stop. And although I must admit that in the midst of the worst I wasn't having any sacrificing or noble thoughts about my baby or the miracle that was about the happen, looking back I realize that labor and birth truly cannot be compared to any kind of other pain that does not involve bringing a life into this world and that my energy was "spiritual" in a way.
Today is the 4th day of her life and the 4th day "after" for me. I still have a hard time combining the two events... her birth and "my birth". Thinking of it, I get tears in my eyes and have no clue if it's because of the joy about meeting her or because of the pain I still can't believe I went through.
Ok, I'll start: She was born on 3rd August 2003 at 3 a.m. of a Sunday after about 45 hours of labor total. I woke up on Friday morning, 1st August at 5.30 with my water breaking. It didn't come out in a big gush but rather several small ones. My contractions started too but they were very mild and very far apart. We had breakfast and a nice morning - Lincoln didn't go to work. The contractions got continuously stronger and when we started watching a movie around 2 in the afternoon I realized that I wasn't really enjoying it anymore because the pain was getting stronger and more frequent. So we decided to go to the hospital at about 5 p.m. on Friday. They checked me when I arrived and I was at 3 cm and about 60% effaced. Right on track! I continued to labor through the night using the Bradley relaxation techniques we learned. Since the contractions had really picked up, we didn't really get much sleep - it was just too painful to sleep through the pain. They checked me again at 4 or 5 a.m. and I had moved up to 6 cm. I was VERY happy and relieved - thinking I would soon be pushing.
Well... at 7 a.m. I was still at 6cm. The doctor called and said, since it had been over 24 hours since my water broke, I should make some kind of progress in the next two hours because she was getting worried about the baby (whose heart rate was still perfect by the way). I could either dilate more, the baby could drop more or I could efface more. At 9 a.m. the baby had dropped two stations! We were so happy. I was still at 6 cm though. I kept laboring but I could feel my energy disappearing... I hadn't eaten since noon the day before and I had barely slept. By 11 I hadn't progressed at all. Now we asked to be given another 2 hours to try to move the baby down naturally. I knew this was my last chance because I felt that I had no strength to labor longer than that on my own anymore. It was so tough... Lincoln and I walked the halls and I squatted through contractions - which made them even more painful but I just wanted this birth to be intervention-free SO badly.
Well, nature had a different idea. At 1.30 pm I was still at 6 and we decided to have an epidural after doctor's advice. It was disappointing and sad for us... we had prepared very well for a natural birth and we were such a good team. Although I was absolutely sure of my decision to have an epidural, Lincoln and I still cried as they administered it. It was just so overwhelming. After 30 hours of natural labor it seemed we had gotten nowhere. Looking back I know though that it was the right decision to labor naturally for so long - it helped me to stay focused and in control until the end.
When I got the epidural we both took a long nap. The idea was that because of me relaxing, my uterus could do its work better and dilate. Well - again, that didn't happen. After 2-3 hours I got my first dose of pitocin. They checked me at about 7 and I was still at 6 cm. We were getting desperate... the doctor mentioned c-section and we were devastated. This was NOT what we had expected at all. Since the baby's heart rate was still excellent though, the doctor suggested to place an internal contraction monitor and see if my contractions were effective. Well, they were not - not surprisingly my uterus was not at its best after 30 hours of contractions. They upped the pitocin dose and two hours later I went to 7-8 cm and another hour later to 9!!! We were SO happy!!! Actually I don't know who was more happy, the doctor or me! An hour after that I was ready to push. With the epidural still going though, I wasn't too good at it and they shut it off. I started feeling real pushing contractions and that was NOT fun! I started pushing at 11.30 pm on Saturday. After half an hour of no progress they suggested I rested. So I did and in the meantime they gave me some pitocin as well...actually at first without telling me - thinking it would scare me. And it did. But by the time I realized those were not just my contractions, there was no way back. I had to push with the accelerated pitocin contractions. I pushed for 3 hours until the baby came.
I'm still scared thinking about it - it was beyond painful. I felt trapped, there was no way out, I had to go through it but I felt like I had 0 physical nor mental energy anymore. All I wanted was for everything to stop! I remember yelling at the nurses and Lincoln: Take this baby out!!!!! NOOOOOOW! They kept encouraging me that I was doing great but I thought they were out of their minds. In my almost delirious state I thought I needed to explain to them how much it hurt and how I could not push anymore, not one more time... I remember thinking how mean all these people were... here I am laying on my back in excruciating pain and nobody is helping! I suppose there is no way to describe this situation. I still go back thinking about it and trying to process the sensation.
Once the baby's head started showing suddenly its heart rate started dropping (for the first time since labor started!) after each push. The doctor got worried and decided to use the vacuum extractor - which at this point was fine with me because I would've asked her to pull the baby out of me with her bare hands! My beautiful daughter was born at 2.47 a.m. on Sunday. She had two bloody wounds on her head from being stuck behind my pelvis bones for so long. Poor baby! When I saw her I just started screaming... I don't know if I was more relieved or shocked or happy. They placed her on my belly and Lincoln cut the cord. We were amazed... we could've never imagined she would be so beautiful. We just couldn't believe any of it.
The rest of the night is still somewhat of a blur to me... as is the following day. I realize now that because of the traumatic labor my energy for bonding with Veronika was very affected. Unfortunately the shock of labor and birth were just too strong. Then on Monday I remember spending several hours alone with her... and it kind of struck me: this is my daughter!!! I hugged her and hugged her and just cried. I guess it would be easy just to say how it was all worth it. Of course it was, although I think it will take me some more time to understand what happened and how and... why. What I know for sure though, is that it all went exactly how it was supposed to be. I don't want to go through that pain again if I don't have to - but then again it's one of those things in life you don't "choose", they choose you and there is no other option than giving 100%. THAT I'm ready to do again in a heartbeat.
Hey, you did great for what was happening! And you pushed her out yourself, even if you had a little help at the end. Next time will be easier.
Don't kick yourself about the 'delayed bonding'. It is more like epoxy that has to cure than it is crazy glue, anyhow. You have the rest of your lives together.
Did you get a picture of the owies on her head?
Sounds like she was a little asynclitic to me!
Had a baby recently that kept having crash dive of the heart rate - came out without any obvious looks of cord (which really surprised me) but the little stinker had his arm wrapped around his neck! As best we could figure, he was pushing his thumb into his carotid artery with the contractions.
Babies will do weird things - it is a great preparation for the rest of their lives!
Dinka, I am so excited to read and see all of this. I think I am living vicariously through all my friends that are having kids. I am just so happy and amazed at the wonderful experience. What a moving story. You are such a trooper to have gone through all this, but I know it was definately worth it. She is so beautiful! The picture of you with her is also, just stunning! You are both so beautiful, and the photo is just amazing, it captures all the love of the moment. This beautiful young mommy with her newborn daughter. :)
What a moving birth story! I think you did a great job as well. Your daughter is absolutely beautiful! May God bless her always.
Beautiful! And well done Dinka, Lincoln and Veronika. Now if I can just stop crying.... God Bless.your family and thank you for sharing such an amazing birth story - what hard work you all did! Welcome Veronika.
Meine liebe Dinka!
Seit zwei Wochen verfolge ich jede Veraenderung auf Deiner Internetseite. Endlich waren die ersten Photos im Netz!!!!!! Ich gratuliere Dir zu Deiner wunderschoenen Tochter und vorallem zu der Geburt, die Du mit Lincoln so meisterhaft bewaeltigt hast. Deine Schilderung war einfach unglaublich bewegend!!! Ihr seid fuer mich ein Paar, das auch in schwierigen Zeiten immer fest zusammenhaelt!!!! Ich wuensche Dir viele, viel Freude mit Deiner Tochter und auch mit Deinem lieben Mann.
Ich denke sehr an Dich, weil ich ein aehnliches Schicksal habe (ich bin nach Italien gegangen), kann Dich aber fuer Deinen Mut nur immer wieder bewundern. Gott schuetze Dich, Lincoln und Eure Veronika. Viele Bussis, Deine Stephanie
yay Dinka! yay Lincoln! yay Veronika!
what a lovely picture! Veronika is so happy you are her mommy!
hanks so much for sharing your story!
Dinka, that read like a novel. Seriously, my mouth was open the entire time I was reading your birth experience story. As someone who knows ZERO about the labor process, your use of medical terms sound quite impressive - as is your excellent description of what you were thinking while all the commotion was occurring. I am assuming you are now at home?
What an incredible descriptive account. I am always amazed English is not your first language. She is beautiful and you did a wonderful job! I second alicia's comments about giving yourself time to bond and that it is awesome that you had no c-section after all that. Amen!
What an incredible descriptive account. I am always amazed English is not your first language. She is beautiful and you did a wonderful job! I second alicia's comments about giving yourself time to bond and that it is awesome that you had no c-section after all that. Amen!
I can't get this! You're a MOM! WOW!
Liebe Dinka und Lincoln, lasset auch mich gratulieren zu Ihrem kuehnem Unternehmen, auch von meiner Seite als Priester und Ordensmann, der in der gut niedergeschriebenen Chronik der Geburt ein Wirken in Sintonie mit Gottes Schoepfungswerk betrachtet, besonders wegen Ihrer achtungsvollen Entscheidung den Weg der Natur zu folgen. Diese Entscheidung wird eine Quelle der Kraft und Trost fuer Ihr ganzes Leben bleiben.
Hi Dinka!
Bin sehr bewegt durch deine Geschichte!
Habe Gaensehaut und Traenen!
Es weckt in mir die Erinnenrungen an meine erste Geburt wach so dass es mich leicht schaudert! Deshalb bilde ich mir ein, dass ich mir sehr gut vorstellen kann wie es dir geht. Wenn ich bei dir waere wuerde ich dich gerne umarmen und mit dir mitweinen damit der Schmerz und der Schock rauskommen. Ich tue es halt von hier aus. Die Zeit wird dieser Erfahrung auch ihren Platz geben! Ich wuensche dir viel Kraft, echt gute Erholung und dass du die Zeit mit dem kleinen Schatz (sie ist zum verlieben!) immer mehr geniesst!
An euch alle einen dicken Kuss von Dora aus Cres